Dog I loved. Beautiful lab husky mix.
He was put down today when he was returned. Play biting was his problem. Being a puppy in other words.
Dog I loved. Beautiful lab husky mix.
He was put down today when he was returned. Play biting was his problem. Being a puppy in other words.
I have road rage. I get agitated by the stupidest shit. My wife enjoys tormenting me to no end just to see me get mad. I have high standards. Idiots set me off. I accept these things. Yet, I know to control these things in the workplace. I know to check my emotions and control them. There are appropriate times to argue and let emotions be known but most situations are stupid and should be left as that.
Do not tell me I don’t understand because the length of your marriage is greater than mine in a condescending manner.
Do not question my ability to judge things based on my age.
Do not undermine the integrity of a program because you want your numbers to mean more than the fucking results. An animal saved shouldn’t be trumped by a number irrelevant to that. Ever.
Do not freak out and ignore and bully and torment and act two faced to achieve a goal.
Do not make an enemy of me because of bad decisions and a lack of courage to come out and say what you want. Cowardice is a trait I look for and destroy. I am a clever and evil son of a bitch if I see that weakness and know it’s taken others down. I will not rest if I know it’s there.
Do not underestimate my ability to overcome anything to solve a problem and make you history.
Dumb bitch. I love my wife. I love my job. Don’t ruin it for me and don’t act high and mighty when all you do is hide in the corner and wait for weakness. I have weakness all over but I will not rest or bow to you. Because you are pathetic. Bring it. War is won by those willing to withstand the blows and bleed. You can’t do either without tears and needing attention.
I find myself in admiration of the woman I married at all times. She has a unique perspective on the world that I wish more people could see it through. We aren’t here to make it fit our every need, instead we are here to find our existence. We as a culture have become completely captivated by having more. The world isn’t like that. It is slowly eroded and forced to change. Much like we really are meant to be.
My wife takes pictures. Not because someone gave her a camera phone and she had someone tell her, “Oh these look great” but because she captures beautiful moments one still at a time. Even when its pictures of me, our dogs, or some random little thing, she is finding amazement.
I tend to see too much at once. The little details don’t mean as much to me as the sum of their whole. I can tell you who owns what car, when they are off a usual schedule, and tend to notice trends and patterns. I wish I could stop myself and focus on the little grass growing in the smallest of cracks in concrete. Or a coloration change in a leaf. She notices these things and its marvelous.
The way she takes pictures tells you all you need to know about her heart. She focuses on the beautiful things and fights with all of her might to bring them to the surface. Much like how she had to fight with me to get me to realize I can be someone beautiful. So every time I see a picture she takes, every time she points out something subtle I smile and know she once did that with me. One little things at a time.
I’m blessed to have someone who loves me for the little things and the grand things. Someone willing to look beyond my weakness and instead empower me to see something great. I am somebody and that attention to something small from someone who cares greatly helped me see that.
Plus she really does take amazing pictures!
I’ve written a few times about being young. About growing up without a dad. About suffering through the emotional and physical abuse of my father. How many times I have words of anger, hate and pain.
Truth is; growing up I saw no answer to the question of my youth. Who will I become? It’s much like the cliche of “I don’t want to be like my mom or dad” that I think we all say at some point. I was so scared of being a man I didn’t even know. How could I ever become something good with so much bad in me. That fear paralyzed my emotional maturity severely. I grew up and I made a lot of progress except where it concerned a fear of my past and the future my dad gave me genetically.
It took until last year to fully release that grip on me. I still get emotional about it, but I have found an avenue for moving on. A way to say “I am not him!” with confidence. It works. My wife noticed a big difference as soon as I talked to my dad. I don’t say much to him anymore but when I do its the usual bullshit that comes out in a forced and awkward conversation. We both know it too.
I know my father is not the best person. In fact he sucks. Never made any excuses about it. He was a drunk and made lousy decisions. He abandoned his own children because he couldn’t face the consequences of his own decisions. Which I find pathetic.
I never stooped to drugs, alcohol or self harm. I could have and thought about it a lot. I was scared of drinking. Hated what I saw drugs do to some of my favorite people. And I didn’t self-harm I went into depression.
Talking about this stuff now has become easy. It is a fluid conversation that never leaves me feeling guilty or empty. I instead focus on the pride I have in never making excuses. I didn’t self destruct. I grew up. It took 26 years but now I know my future is bright. I have the greatest sidekick and a strong warrior for life in my wife. I have the support of a family that chooses to accept and love me. I have learned that fighting for the future is a battle worth wearing yourself out with.
SO to all the kids of divorce, of a broken home, of abuse, abandoned, forgotten, in pain, suffering right now. Go outside and look up at the sky. Imagine the sun is out. No cloud. The breeze is in your face. And the ground beneath you is untouched. Look out and see a world for you to take. Make it happen. Escape your life when you can and never look back in fear.
Most of all; I know the craving for hurt free love you have. Stop looking outside of yourself and wondering why not me. Learn to love who you are, the past, the present, and the future you. Once you learn that its okay to love who you are, the love you crave will follow. Don’t force someone to be the only way you can love, force yourself to love yourself without end. Its worth it. I promise.
I’ve been writing this for a long time in my head. It may not make sense but bear with me.
My family moved to the US (NJ to be exact) when I was 7 years old from Costa Rica. I was in third grade and only knew a handful of things to say in English. I had a pretty bad time the first few months…
Sometimes love comes with a cost and demands a certain sort of energy you don’t know you even possess. In marrying my wife I decided to make her battle my own. We won but not without a lot of pain and worry and anger. I became disillusioned of the promises made by this country.
Thanks for writing this babe.
A while ago I found a brilliant site called Diary Of A Screenwriter: Notes on Writing for Film. A perfect place for those looking for inspiration, tips and advice about writing for the screen.
- The Violent World of Fritz Lang
- John Huston: The Poetry of Failure
- Elmore Leonard: On Writing and Movies
- John Sayles: Thinking In Pictures
- Andrei Tarkovsky: Dialogue on Science Fiction
- Claude Chabrol: The Art of Suspense
- Ingmar Bergman: On Art and War
- Oliver Stone: Scarface Nation
- John Milius: American Outsider
- Frank Darabont: On Adapting Stephen King – The Shawshank Redemption; The Green Mile
- Paul Schrader: Writing, Violence and Therapy
- Jim Jarmusch: America, Guns and Poetry
- The Writer’s Craft: A David Mamet Interview
- John Cassavetes: Chasing Shadows
- Welles and Kafka: On Filming The Trial
- Dialogue as Action: The Friends of Eddie Coyle
- Mind Games: Christopher Nolan on Narrative
- Paul Schrader on ‘Performance’
- Nicolas Roeg: On Truffaut, Words and Images
- Stanley Kubrick: Thoughts On Narrative
- Robert Towne: Remembering Chinatown
- Scorsese: Goodfellas, Gangsters and Guilt
- Dream As Reality: An Interview with Fellini
- Writing ‘Psycho’: Interview with Joseph Stefano
- Sam Peckinpah: Screening Violence
- Mackendrick and Odets: The Screenwriting Process
- John Michael Hayes: On Writing Rear Window
- The Coen Brothers: Fargo, Crime and Realism
- Antonioni Discusses The Passenger
- Francois Truffaut: Autobiography and Alter Ego
- Bergman: On Writing, Demons and Childhood Secrets
- Schrader and Bresson: Seeing and Showing
- Michael Powell: Obsession and Creativity
- Claude Chabrol: The Mystery of Character
- Paul Schrader: Notes On Taxi Driver
- Kurosawa: Some Random Notes on Filmmaking
- John Cassavetes: On the Making of Husbands
- Method Writing: Tarantino and Elmore Leonard
- Francis Ford Coppola: Into the Darkness
- Charlie Kaufman: On Adaptation
- Charlie Kaufman: On Screenwriting
- Kurosawa, Tarkovsky and Solaris
- Kurosawa on Kurosawa
- Terrence Malick on Badlands
- Woody Allen: The Art of Humor
- Clint Eastwood: Straight Shooter
- Charlie Chaplin: The Lost Interview
- Martin Scorsese: Violence and Sin
- Paul Schrader: Steps to Writing a Script
- Billy Wilder: The Art of Collaboration
- The End of Innocence: Kubrick on Barry Lyndon
- Andrei Tarkovsky: Stalking the Stalker
- Night and the City: In the Labyrinth
- Jim Jarmusch: Open Letter to John Cassavetes
- Kubrick’s Maze: An Interview on The Shining
- Ingmar Bergman: Dialogue on Film
- Michaelangelo Antonioni: A Study in Color
- Alfred Hitchcock: On Making ‘The Birds’
Fritz Lang Interviewed by William Friedkin (1974). “From running away from home, to surviving by his wits, to making his classic films ‘Metropolis’ and ‘M,’ to meetings with criminals and murderers — one killer kept the hands of victims under his bed, to his meeting with the Nazi Mad Man, to Hollywood and after, Lang, looking rather like Dr Strangelove, describes his hugely fantastic life.” —Paul Gallagher
Well, there goes work for the day.
Sometimes you start you day with a strange disposition only to have something happen that makes you realize how stupid it was.
At the OKC Animal Shelter a dog named Jack has been my adoption projection for a little over a week now. Yesterday he was adopted later in the afternoon, this morning he came back because the adopter wasn’t able to understand or wasn’t educated in a way that allowed her to be comfortable with him. Jack is a sweet boy but scared. He has not had a good time and the shelter is making his timidity worse.
He needs someone without kids and no other dogs. Someone who can walk him and build his confidence. I started to boil inside when it came to sink in that he was back. I know he will be a good dog because he is extremely smart. He is also full of this great energy that makes him a great fit for someone wanting to have a fun dog. One that will play fetch, go on long hikes/walks/runs.
As that began to eat at me, I remembered another part of my day; working with the blind pit Wally. He is an amazing creature. Something that should inspire people everywhere and make people rethink how they view their outlook on life. He is a good boy but he cannot see. He gets frustrated just like we would when he can’t make sense of things. He is strong. He is happy. He loves playing tug-o-war and he loves walks. He is so smart with his little nose and ears. Nothing will trick this little guy.
The truth is these two dogs made me realize something. We will always be scared of something and unsure. It takes courage to walk up and face that challenge. Whether its a new place in life or a treat in a strange hand. We will always have to overcome adversity and nothing is harder than adjusting. Dogs don’t think or feel like we do. They cannot, so we should not feel that way for them. It doesn’t help them. We should look on in wonder. Wally is blind but acts like a normal dog. He just needs a little time and has such a good time once he is comfortable. Jack is scared of the world because he doesn’t know his place, but once you remind him that he is a dog and should love playing, he does just that. Their strength can help build up your own. I felt better knowing how great these dogs are. I felt better knowing I could help them. I felt better because they didn’t care about their situation, they just felt loved. I feel loved. So I’m happy.
What I Wore Today.
Just because I got the sweater on sale at Target for $12! And it’s really soft and cozy. & because I love my boots. Also from Target.
&&my glasses are back! (Long story shirt they’ve been gone since the May tornado when we drove into the storm to go to our friends house who has a shelter.)
Because I love my wife and think she is absolutely adorable and sexy at all times.
Subconciously we are all animals in that our basic instincts are simple and carnal. We desire food, shelter, and survival. When cornered and challenged we will snarl and growl. We will tear flesh and draw blood.
Thoughts on writing right now.
Sometimes as we grow up we fall victim to our own criticism. Sure it is a result of the corrosive nature of relationships and growing up but its also important. We let ourselves becomes swallowed by reality. Here is where the decision we make will matter. Do we steer our lives in the direction of the least resistance; pursuing dreams our parents want for us, becoming someone our friends think we need to be. Or do we stand firm and fight against the conventional and become our own person. Each has an argument and defense. We are capable people.
I felt pressure to get a degree because of struggles in school. So I got a degree. Never used it. At first this was a blow to my pride.
I know what I want. I love dogs. Love working with them. Being around them. My two boys are so special to me. So I am going to try and make an attempt to be a trainer. Start small but make it work. I think I can do it.
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